50 myths about British tea and other such things
by XpyonX
Summary: By Arthur Kirkland. Not really;  By me, pretending to be Iggy! Just for lols. If any one reads all, 50 I'll give you some brownie points
1. Chapter 1

50 myths about British tea and other such things

No one puts cream in tea anymore. MILK. We use milk.

We don't really put boiled water in decorative teapots anymore (unless you're over the age of 60), we use kettles. Just kettles.

We also don't really use matching tea cups with little plates and tea spoons anymore, unless the Queen is visiting. Obviously.

We use mugs. Manly mugs, ugly mugs, the floor (when pissed.)

HOW TO MAKE GOOD OL' BRITISH TEA:

. Boil the kettle.

. Get a mug.

. Put a tea bag in the mug. (We mainly use PG tips, Tetley tea, Typhoon, Yorkshire tea and other such brands)

. Add boiled water to mug.

. Leave in for a couple of seconds and squeeze tea bag with a tea spoon (NO OTHER SPOON WILL WORK)

. Scoop tea bag out and dump somewhere, anywhere.

. Add milk and or sugar.

. VOILA! You have your perfect cup of British tea!

The British do enjoy jam and cream scones with tea. Clotted cream is especially delicious.

Scones can be pronounced "Scones", rhyming with stones, or "Scons" rhyming with gone, depending where you come from in the UK.

We also enjoy crumpets with tea, with either butter and or marmite.

We love our marmite.

There's no way to describe marmite other than "You either love it or you hate it." Many hate it but we brits are stubborn so the remaining percent keep the business alive and thriving.

A tube is a form of transportation. The tube is also known as "The London Underground". Not a tram or a train. No one calls the tube "the train" That's just silly.

WE CAN SEE FAIRIES!

We can't really. That's a lie.

WE CAN COOK!

We're good liars.

We don't kiss America's arse. We once wiped that arse.

Arse, is not spelt "ass". That's a donkey.

We do say mummy and daddy. But we also say mother, father, mum, dad, oi you wanker, etc.

Wanker is a favourite word of ours.

We also like shit, bastard, fuck and words too harsh for little eyes on fanfiction.

There are many words for "drunk". Pick any random word you can think of and add "-ed" on the end. E.g. Wankered, wellied, pissed, fucked, hammered, screwed, trampolined, enveloped, trumpeted, etc.

We like a good pub.

We hate that no smoking in public buildings law, we liked to smoke in a good pub.

A pub is not just a place to get hammered. It's also a nice restaurant (kinda)

We do hate the French.

We do call them frogs.

We don't really like many people…

Many people don't really like us…

A condom is also called a "Johnny".

As an empire, we used to hold a colony is every continent at one point.

Our sweets are incredible. (When visiting England, be sure to visit an old style sweet shop)

Fish and chips is also a must have.

Fish and chips aren't originally British.

Cambridge and Oxford University are secretly in an underground war with each other.

We like to take the piss. Out of everything.

When we say "let's get a chink/Chinese" we mean "Let's order some Chinese food".

"Bloody hell" Can also mean "WTF", "Oh my god" and "No way?"

Our music truly beats all.

We aren't arrogant, we're just better than you.

We don't really like the government, but we're too lazy to do anything about it.

We were VERY disappointed in the lack of sex in "Breaking Dawn"

We were VERY disgusted at the grotesque birth scene in "Breaking Dawn"

We like to get kinky.

Our parenting skills need work. In the words of Russell Howard; "He's afraid of dogs, let's get him a dog!"

We like porn.

We like sarcasm.

We laugh at the fact that Americans have no sense of irony.

We say the Welsh shag sheep. (There's no evidence of this nor do we remember how this came about. But we still believe/say it.)

We like Gary Barlow.

We usually keep calm and carry on… BUT… when the biscuit breaks in the tea… all hell breaks loose.


	2. Another 10 things you should know

Scouse Liverpool accent/dialect

Geordie Newcastle accent/dialect

Cockney London's East End accent/rhyming slang (e.g. "Up the apples and pears!" Translation: Up the stairs, pears rhyming with stairs!)

People seem to think that all English guys say "Love" at the beginning and end of every sentence. They don't. (Unless their gay, obviously. In which case "darling" and "hun" are more appropriate.)

Why do people even think that sounds sexy…?

"Alright, love?" Sounds like a drunken douche bag…

"Up the chuff" meaning bum sex.

Not to be confused with "Up the duff" meaning pregnant.

Cock'n'block is also another good word for bum sex.

"Olly, olly, olly, tits in the trolley, balls in the biscuit tin." I don't really know how to explain this… I said it loads as a kiddy-winkle…


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